Tag Archive: life



You’ve seen the quote ”dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you’ve never Imagebeen hurt’… But have you spent much time thinking about it?

 I have it engraved on stone hanging on my wall and I noticed it yesterday… Especially the last line.

 Love like you’ve never been hurt.

 How is this done? For those of us who are the walking wounded, who have been hurt one too mImageany times to count, feeling like reaching out one more time simply might be the death of you -risking again… For what? Perhaps we need a little help to get there.

 Loving, risking, losing. Start over.

Loving, risking, losing… Again and again, stung by betrayal, abandonment, loss. Rejection.

 As the ice melts from my frozen heart, and spring has come to fill my soul afresh, I feel my wounds heal.I have been taught humility by my circumstance.Image

 The world does not revolve around me. I saw a friend, deeply wounded, and saw how she held onto love despite the pain she faced. I looked within myself and saw my inadequacy. I saw that I grappled with mercy and grace and judgments towards those who’ve offended me. How hard it was to let it go and set them free & embrace humility. My pride and resentment kept me trapped in a prison of my own making. Bitterness. I had been trying to forgive – wrestling with it, trying to let go of the pain, but the pain had become my only friend, and my protector. The ice around my heart began to form to protect my heart from further injury. I became numb. And broken. What used to function normally- the ability to love, felt frozen behind a wall of insecurity, fear of being hurt again, fear of loss and pain became my comfort. But in the hardening of my heart what came next was isolation.

 Man was not meant to be alone.

 I’d forgotten how to love at all.

Yet alone to love like I’ve never been hurt.

The secret is forgiveness. Not for them but me. Unforgiveness is like a poison you drink yourself.

 ‘Forgiveness is nothing more and nothing less than an act of self healing – an act of self-empowerment – no longer a prisoner to my tragic past, that I was finally free’.

 The above quote was taken from Eva Kor, a survivor of the Holocaust and the experiments of Joseph Mengele at Auschwitz 50 years ago, who was able to forgive her oppressors in the very place they took away her freedom, her innocence and her family.

 Forgiveness is a process as it takes time to heal, for sure.

But humility and recognizing our own weaknesses and sins can help us give grace to those who have injured us. Grace is a lesson I am learning. I have never been very proficient at it. Without being aware, I have battled with my own sense of self-righteousness and would cling to my right for justice, all the while knowing that mercy triumphs over justice. But still I held on to the ‘why me’, ‘it’s not fair’, victim mentality. It wasn’t my fault. So why did this happen to me?

 Now I see the error of my ways, my own pride and am humbled by my own vanity.

 How do you love like you’ve never been hurt? Without walls of fear or anger or pain or pride to protect you? I knew it in my head, but it needed to penetrate to my heart… Let go of the need to be in control. Let go of the pain and trust God with your heart’s protection.

Let go of fear and give it to God to hold onto. Perfect love drives out fear.

I saw myself in the garden of Eden, along with Adam and Eve, hiding themselves from God.

 ‘where are you?’ He called out to them?

 ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself’ Adam replied.

 So true. Our vulnerabilities make us feel naked. Our awareness of our sinful nature cause us to feel humiliated so that we hide. We feel alone. We believe we must defend ourselves and hide. Hide from more hurt. Hide from awareness of our own flaws. Hide from the effects of other’s sin against us.

 God was reaching out to them, but they couldn’t see that because of their own shame and independence from him. Unable to turn to the only one who could help them, they locked themselves in their independence and separateness from him, left to their own devices to protect themselves from harm, little knowing that their own efforts were causing them to open themselves to vulnerability in harmful ways. But deceived, they believed they were protecting their vulnerability instead.

 By holding onto control, we leave ourselves more exposed to harm and falsely believe our walls of independence -the belief that we can handle it on our own – will protect us from further vulnerability and further harm. But it is only an illusion.

 The only way to love like you’ve never been hurt, is to let go of our attempts to control the  outcome of events. Control is an illusion. I can’t control what others do or don’t do, I can only take responsibility for my own actions.

 Fear is not my friend. It is not a good protector. It blocks us from the ability to love.

 To love like I’ve never been hurt requires me to trust God with my pain, my fear, my inadequate ability to effectively protect myself, and believe that even when I don’t understand, that he will somehow work all things together for the ultimate good, if I choose to embrace the lesson to be learned from my experiences. 

 Instead of hiding in the garden afraid, respond to God’s question ‘where are you?’ with a new answer.

 I’m hurt Lord. I want to protect myself from further pain. I know that is independence from you & I choose to open up to you, to not hide, but rather run to you and let you embrace me, and bandage my wounds, and make me whole again. I choose to trust you with my heart. I choose to take down my walls. I choose to love and I choose grace and I choose forgiveness and I choose to acknowledge I am fallible too. I hurt people too. We are all on equal footing. I choose to repent of my own arrogance and self righteousness. And self pity. I choose to embrace love.  I choose to learn and offer grace. I choose humility.

 My friend and I are on a journey together. We are letting life teach us it’s lessons to learn. We are letting God teach us how to love like we’ve never been hurt. How to let down our habits and trained defenses and walls, and learn the healthy boundaries of taking responsibility for the only thing we Imagecan. Our own actions, our own behavior and responses and attitudes.

 To all of those who have hurt me in some way great or small, to all those i have hurt as well. Not only do I forgive those who have hurt me, But I repent as well. For the lack of grace, lack of integrity, lack of love, the walls, the judgments, the arrogance, my fear. I am fallible too. I know that now.

If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Trauma Recovery Program which will help you move forward from betrayal, hurt, or loss!

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If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach

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I want to share with you something I wrote near the end of last year, in dec 2011 as it serves as a great first introduction about my life, a summary of the past year for me, and since I intend to share about myself on Wednesday’s, I feel it’s a most fitting introduction.

But after having just re-read what I wrote only a month ago, I have realized that i’ve come a long way in just one month! Perhaps next week I will share some of my progress! And btw, I am super grateful for a brand new year to start over, since last year for me was simply a year of hell. The following is the first thing I had written in many months since about June of last year, 2011. Here is what I wrote:

Vulnerability & writing -my year of hell

Several months ago, I had decided I would start blogging… About my life, the book I began writing this year, and life coaching tips on issues pertaining to relationships, things I’m reading about, learning or have gained wisdom by through life experience. I also began pursuing the idea of transitioning careers to become a life coach, to actually get certified and do something I am naturally born to do. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed serving in the field of developmental services with autistic clients, but 10 years in one field is a long time and I’m feeling the need for change.

Sadly, however, I’ve been side swiped by major catastrophe in my life that has blindsided me and placed all my dreams on the back burner. My writing had all but stopped, my motivation to switch gears professionally- diminished, my whole life basically on hold, frozen by the greatest traumatic experience of my life. I haven’t been able to write about it or even reveal it fully, as there are many I choose to remain to keep in the dark about this most vulnerable trauma I have experienced, all with good reason of course. I have been seeing a post traumatic stress disorder therapist concerning the magnitude of shock & betrayal at the hands of those closest to me, breaking my heart, and at times, even my will to go on.

I will not go into detail about the trauma, as that intense vulnerability I am not yet able to disclose.

But what I can say, is the battle to overcome has been enormous! It is still a journey that is not yet complete, but I am on a journey to heal from a massive double betrayal.

In the words of king David:
‘even my close friend, in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me’.

I will confess this much: as far as I can say in looking back on this past year, I will be glad to see 2012 come with a fresh start on life. This has definitely been a year of hell for me. Starting out early in the year with a major back injury that had me off work and off my feet for 5 months of the year, and moving right into the worst realization of my life, that those closest to me had risen against me to crush my heart.

One of my wonderful friends who has always had these great analogies told me once not so long ago as I confessed to her that -‘everything inside me feels dead… Everything I was I no longer can find.’ She responded by saying, ‘it is not dead, it is dormant. It is like a blanket of snow has covered over those parts of you, you feel are gone. They are not gone. I still see them in you.’
How reassuring in such a great time of loss & dare I say, disillusionment.
Brilliant liars who fooled me, and I would dare claim I am usually one of great discernment. And I did discern something was amiss, but ignored my gut instinct at the reassurances of those who conspired together their lies and deceit. Because I trusted them and thought I had no reason to question that trust.

I have been made most vulnerable these past many months, in the way no one wants to be vulnerable -by force. Like for instance, death. We do not choose to be vulnerable when a loved one passes, but we suddenly are- unprepared, and helpless. And vulnerable. Especially when it is sudden. Unforeseen. No warning at all: forced vulnerability.

Vulnerability is something I most admire when I see it voluntarily offered, and strive to be that with those closest to me, because of the intimacy that comes which is a delight to enjoy. But violence against vulnerability freely offered, is the gravest of offenses. And makes one further vulnerable, in the same forced manner of vulnerability that happens with death -but more in the role of a victim that must overcome the shock of betrayal. This kind of forced vulnerability is the worst kind because it is intentional harm. A loved one did not choose to die and simply leave us behind, they are merely following the natural course of life. But a betrayal has harmful motives.

All of this to say, this undesired, not sought after vulnerability causing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which has had an ill effect on me. It has stunted my life, my dreams, my writing. I have not written another word in the book I am writing since the end of June. I have not further begun building a platform for my writing… I have been stopped dead in my tracks.
My writing as of late has been darker than I ever thought I could write, mostly in the form of poetry. Raw, honest, real. Vulnerable. Yet I hold back and choose not to share those dark miserable poems describing the depths of my despair. I don’t want the whole world to know. And given that those closest to me took advantage of my vulnerability, I still feel guarded and held back from revealing all there is to reveal.
But I feel the time is coming, for me to come alive again. The dawn is breaking, joy comes in the morning. A new season is upon me… Like job, the latter days greater than the former. Today, I have begun to write again. Even if it is just a blog. I make baby steps forward towards collecting the pieces of my broken life, the devastation like a bomb that went off in my heart, and I begin the work of healing. The work of rebuilding and cleaning up the remains of the nuclear disaster within my soul. Wish me luck as I move forward towards achieving my goals, my dreams. I have been on a hiatus, but I am coming back. I am coming alive again. I will not only survive this, I am an overcomer.

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