Tag Archive: freedomlifelove



Just posting a quick announcement to watch for my brand new ebooks releasing this weekend at http://www.freedomlifelove.com

Check out ‘Identifying and Understanding Abuse’ for helpful tips on understanding the abuse cycle and how to know whether the relationship is salvageable and how to end an abusive relationship if it is not!

Or perhaps you could use some helpful tips on ‘Managing Stress’. Watch for the release of both of these books this weekend on my website!

20120906-105156.jpg

20120906-105232.jpg

 

And stay tuned for two more great ebook releases in the next month: ‘The Four Stages Of Boundary Development’ and another compelling book simply entitled, ‘Forgive’!!

 

 

Advertisements

Have you ever paid too much attention to your breathing patterns when you are feeling stressed or anxious? Likely not in the moment at least, as your mind is preoccupied with the stress you are feeling, increasing the shallow breathing, and increased heart rate and muscle tension developing in your body. The reason all these physiological sensations are occurring in your body is simply because you have activated the sympathetic nervous system in your body which prepares you for fight or flight. It is busy readying the body to take whatever needed action is required urgently. It’s instinctual nature is preparing you for some sort of danger and knows you need to be ready to respond at a moments notice. And perhaps your adrenaline has kicked in too, as you are overloaded at work, have deadlines that you know you cannot possibly meet because all sorts of other issues came up at the office distracting your time and attention away from your current project, and now you feel the mounting stress in your neck and shoulders and the headache or the knots in your stomach as you imagine the worst case scenario, and fear is kicking in about what will happen if you miss this important deadline. Or maybe it’s a person you don’t get along with and there is mounting stress developing between you and this person. You hate working with them, and are afraid of confrontation, because they have a more strong-willed personality than you or they are that workplace bully that you know you will suffer their wrath if you confront the issues you are having with them and the stress builds slowly, like water in a pot on a hot stove, slowly coming to a boil and finally overflowing because of the mounting tension.

These and other situations can cause massive amounts of stress in life. And our sympathetic nervous system, bless it’s soul, readies us for action we need to take. However, our bodies were not meant to maintain constant stress, as all sorts of physical problems arise as a result. But what do you do with the pesky symptoms of stress in order to calm down? Have you ever noticed that most of these symptoms meant to help us take immediate action also have the tendency to backfire on us as well, say for instance by decreasing our concentration or productivity, or even our ability to perform at all? Perfect case in point… Needing to do a presentation in front of a group of people, and you have a fear of public speaking and more than the nervous butterflies in your stomach, you feel frozen in fear, unable to do your job? Sometimes we need to take action and require that boost of adrenaline or increase of oxygen to the heart to take flight or fight. But often the stressors we face inducing the fight, flight or freeze response tend to be counter productive.

What does breathing have anything to do with what I have been talking about this whole time? Some of you may already know, those of you who practice mindfulness exercises will already be familiar with what I am about to say, but for those of you who are curious about what is going on in the body and why what i am about to tell you actually works, will be well informed in just a moment! Deep breathing… Not shallow or even regular breathing, but breathing in deeply to at least a 5 count and then breathing out slowly and deeply as well, triggers what is known as the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the body responsible for the rest and digest functions in the body. Deep breathing activates the part of our brain that tells us to calm down, to rest, to relax, to unwind. You may not be able to take tons of time at work to sit back, put your feet up on your desk and take a nap to get that renewed vigor to carry on, but taking deep breaths for 5-10 minutes (or whatever time you have) can quite possibly be the very trick to enable you to complete that project on time! Once you are breathing deeply, you are deactivating the nervous stress energy in your body which is decreasing your functional ability by flooding your emotions with fear or panic. Once you are breathing more deeply, and less labored, you may find you suddenly have more concentration available to complete the task at hand. Now your energy is being devoted to the project, rather than spending so much effort on worrying about the project!

Stay tuned for more stress tips next Friday!

And don’t forget, if you are relating to this, and feel like you need some additional help, Sign-Up Today for my monthly webinar on stress management!!  If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

Cheers!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


For the past few weeks on Wednesdays, I have been blogging about varying things that I have been learning about and reading up on the subjects that most interest me. Today is no different. The avid reader that I am, I am excited to share some of what I have been reading up on. I wanted to touch on the subject of abandonment or feelings of abandonment and rejection that we experience from time to time in our life. I also want to touch on some of the core things going on inside us that pre-disposition us for abandonment patterns throughout life, that leave us feeling like, “Will I ever be good enough?” “Am I lovable?” “Why do the people I love always leave?” or, “why do I feel so empty, like nothing ever fills me?” or “Why do I always doubt myself?”

Chances are, if you wrestle with those questions, you have felt abandoned at some point in your life. I would even hedge a bet that it has occurred more than once, like a repeating cycle, or a record re-playing over and over the same song, because there is a scratch on the record. I know we don’t use records these days, we barely use cd’s anymore, just download it from iTunes on your iPhone or iPad, or whatever the latest MAC technology is offering! But I like the concept, because it is very much true of us. Like the old record player that can’t get past the scratch on the record, and repeats over and over… Much of our life is the same. There is a wound, a scratch per say, an injury incurred in a current or past relationship. And as much as we want, we try so hard to overcome it and be drawn to different types of people, the kind that won’t abandon, or betray or who can actually connect emotionally, but for whatever reason, we keep going through the same issues over and over and over. Different face, same problem, or varying form of abandonment, but nonetheless…it IS abandonment.

I’ve had what I refer to as my fair share of abandonment experiences in life. Perhaps more than my fair share. In fact, I might even go so far as to say, I don’t think my poor little heart can take another fall like that again! I always say of myself, that I am nothing without love. If I stop loving, I have no purpose left on this earth. What happens when you go through something so traumatic that you reach that point? You think… I just can’t handle one more betrayal, one more abandonment… I don’t know if love can survive in my heart, as if the candle inside of you is about to be snuffed out.

I’d say if you have reached that point, as I have, it’s time to learn how to stop going around the same mountain and figure out what’s at the root! It’s time to mend the wounds and fill the holes that just leak and leak every time anything tries to fill it.

There is this one passage of scripture I truly love as I identify with it so well! It goes something like this:

“My People have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” Jeremiah 2:13

I like this verse because it reminds me personally that the source of my life does not, nor should not come from a person, but that God, the giver of life, has an abundance of life he lavishly is ready to bestow on me at a moments notice, whenever I allow myself to trust him enough to meet that deep need no one else can perfectly fill. It also reminds me of my independence, and how I go to other things and people to try to fill the empty voids inside my soul. It is no secret that women have a never ending need for connection and intimacy, and we need it constantly, and consume it like we are starving. Why? Because there is a cistern we have dug for ourselves, going to other things and people and places trying to fill the emptiness ourselves. But what we are largely unaware of, is that our cisterns are broken, and cannot hold the water that represents life. It’s sinking out of the cisterns we built for ourselves out of that crack in the cistern into the ground beneath us, leaving us cracked and dry and continually feeling empty, and continually searching for something else to fill us.

Now I know I am mostly speaking on a spiritual level, and it is true that nothing can ever fill us more than that divine connection to our creator, but there are other natural contributors as well. I am a realist. I know we were created to connect deeply, that we were not meant to be alone or abandoned… No wonder solitary confinement is the cruelest of punishments, for no one was meant to be alone. We were made for relationships. But as humans, we are flawed and we can be self-seeking, or wounded ourselves and unable or incapable of being what someone else needs us to be. All kinds of circumstances and backgrounds cause our brokenness in how we connect to each other, injure each other, and break each other’s hearts. It was not meant to be this way.

But the reality we live in is tainted with flawed individuals all trying to connect to each other and find fulfilling and lasting meaningful relationships. Intuitively, we KNOW that is what we were made for, and we search for it our whole lives. Now because we experience trials and errors in our patterns of relating to each other, inevitably, someone is left wounded, abandoned by another from time to time. Hurting people hurt people. It’s just the way it is.

Looking at some possible roots of abandonment, we can often go back to childhood and find an ‘absent parent’, unavailable to the needs of the child, an alcoholic perhaps that neglects the child’s needs due to drunkenness, if not worse, engaging in some form of abuse. Perhaps your parents simply could not figure out how to effectively communicate with each other and the marriage broke down and one parent left, these are real scenarios not to be discarded by pat answers from some holy religious book. But the fact remains, God never meant for us to connect only to Him, but to each other as well. Those needs to connect intimately with others in our life are God-given as well. It was His plan to begin with. But he never desired the pain we experience as a result of living in a broken world. But though we are broken, there is healing, and God generously desires to bandage our wounds. In fact, Jesus not only died on the cross for our sins, he also took all of our wounds and injuries, and sickness on himself too, caring so deeply for us marred by the fallen condition of human nature.

But there is hope! There is light at the end of the tunnel! There is a chance, a real chance to heal, restore, mend the wounds and move on, healed and whole and complete! Believe it or not!

I recently read a book called “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing”, by Susan Anderson. If you have ever felt abandoned, dismissed, washed up or thrown away and discarded like the trash from a significant relationship in you life, tell me if you do not identify with this quote from her book:

“People going through the anguish of love loss often feel that their lives have been permanently altered, that they will never be the same, will never love again. I’m writing to assure you that as devastated as you may be right now, your feelings of despair and hopelessness are in fact temporary, and they are a normal part of grieving over a relationship. In fact, only by grappling with the feeling that your life is over can you begin to rebuild…Anyone who feels this pain is in a legitimate crisis. Many feel as if they have been stabbed in the heart so many times that they don’t know which hole to plug up first. But these overwhelming feelings do not in any way imply that you are weak, dependent, or undeserving. In spite of the intensity of your feelings, you are still the competent, responsible person you thought you were. Your breakup, with all of its emotional excess, has not diminished you. In fact, being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenacity. Only by giving yourself over to your feelings can you find your way out of them.”

We cannot simply ignore the pain and try and go on. It goes with us whether we deny it or not. In fact, studies show the importance of not resisting your emotions, because the more you resist dealing with them, the more intense they get, the more deeply ingrained they become and begin to produce toxins that harm us further. We were meant to let it go, by acknowledging it, feeling it, releasing it, and allowing ourselves to be lifted by peace through the process of time. Does time heal all wounds? I don’t know. It depends on what you do with it. What I do know for sure, is that God is able to heal the brokenness inside us, and there is a part we can take to participate in the work of healing as well. This blog is looking like another two part series, so stay tuned for next Wednesday’s completion on the things I’m learning about abandonment and the ways to bind up those wounds, pour healing balm on them, and be lifted to a place of resilience and healing!

If you’d like to look at a great resource, check out my one-on-one Trauma Recovery Program which will help bring control back into your life!

God bless!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


Last Friday I blogged about Stress Management by introducing some common symptoms that occur when one is under a lot of stress. Today I want to touch on what is happening in our physical bodies that brings about the symptoms we discussed last week.

The fight, flight or freeze response is how the body prepares itself to deal with stress and anxiety and even fear. Your cerebral cortex (the thinking part of the brain) sends an alarm to the hypothalamus, which then stimulates the sympathetic nervous system to make changes in the body to prepare itself for action -primarily, fight, flight or freeze.

The changes that occur are things like heart rate increase, muscle tension, blood pressure increases, metabolism. Blood is directed away from the digestive system and the extremities and re-directed toward major muscle groups that can help to fight or run.

In each stressful situation we face, our instinctual reptilian brain (which is the oldest part of the brain, responsible for instincts such as fight, flight or freeze) is activated and we instinctually respond with a course of action to deal with the situation, seemingly without thinking about it, as it seems to occur automatically, in a matter of seconds the fight, flight or freeze response is in action, directed by the hypothalamus to trigger the sympathetic nervous system to ready us for attack, alarm, or a perceived attack, readying us to fight the stressor, flee and avoid the stressor, or freeze up, unable to fight or flee.

We may not always freeze up, we may not always automatically fight, just as we may not always take flight from the stressful situation. It depends on each circumstance we face.

If you are afraid of public speaking for instance, once you get up to the podium, you might freeze up, unable to speak. Or perhaps you dance around the subject with your boss, trying to get out of having to do the speech (flight), or you face it head on and fight the butterflies in your stomach and do the speech.

Or if you need to confront a co-worker who is a bully at your work, perhaps you want to avoid the stressor and avoid taking shifts where you work with that person, or you simply feel anxiety the whole time you work with this person unable to confront the situation out of fear. Perhaps you decide enough is enough, I am going to report this bully and take action.

I am not saying ‘fighting’ is always the best choice in dealing with a stressful situation. For instance, if you do not have healthy confrontational skills and you end up verbally or even physically assaulting your irritating co-worker, perhaps fighting the situation via direct confrontation is not the best solution for you, and perhaps you should involve the management team instead.

In a situation where a burglar has entered your home with a gun and already shot someone in your home and he has not seen you, perhaps freezing is the best course of action to preserve your life. If he doesn’t see you and leaves, you can then contact the police and ‘fight’ the situation by taking action. But if the burger enters the area where you have chosen to freeze, it might be useful to look for options to get out and flee the area to avoid getting shot. This is a perfect example where all three responses may be needed at varying times in one situation, and your instinct will tell you what you ought to do. Perhaps you have the upper hand, and are able to come behind the burgled unaware and are able to knock him out and tie him up and take his gun away from him and call the police…. Another example of a fight response.

The point is, our bodies ready us for response and give us the extra boost of adrenaline and energy to face the stressful situation.

Long term stress can be very harmful to our bodies, over time, indicating that it is time for us to figure out how to manage anxiety and stress.

The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for ‘rest and digest’ and is the part of the nervous system that needs to be activated to bring our bodies back to a state of calm after a stressful episode. I will blog more about how the parasympathetic nervous system comes into play next week as we begin to look at simple ways to manage our stress level.

And don’t forget, if you are relating to this, and feel like you need some additional help, Sign-Up Today for my montly webinar on stress management!!  If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

Cheers!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


“From the brain and brain alone arise our pleasures, joys, laughter and jests, as well as our sorrows, pains and griefs.”

 – Hippocrates

Last Wednesday I blogged about some cognitive distortions, or lies that we tell ourselves, that when told repeatedly, become a pattern that eventually forms a belief. What we think about and dwell on, really DOES affect our beliefs! I also mentioned that I would discuss this week a little more in depth the research and studying I have been doing on the brain and how to rewire our brains from negative beliefs to become happier overall!

Breakthroughs In Modern Science

“Until recently, scientists believed that the human brain and it’s structures were formed during gestation and infancy and remained pretty much unchanged through childhood. You had a given number of neurons in a specific brain structure and…once you were done with childhood development, you were set in a mold. Your connections were already made, and the learning period of your brain was now over. In the last decade, however, researchers have found significant evidence that this is not so, and that something called neuroplasticity continues throughout our lives.” – Teresa Aubele, PhD, Stan Wenck, EdD, and Susan Reynolds. (Train Your Brain to Get Happy).

Neuroscientists now believe that the brain has the ability to change, to be molded, to repair damaged regions, grow new neurons and and get rid of old ones, to rezone regions that performed one task and give them the ability to assume new tasks and change the circuitry that weaves neurons into networks that allow us to remember, feel, suffer, think, imagine, and dream. Basically, our brains can continue to learn and achieve throughout the duration of our lives.

The part of my research I found most interesting was the recognition that we can rewire our brains from depression, worry, posttraumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disease etc. to becoming happier. For instance, if you worry a lot, you are accessing certsin types of pathways due to habit. But habits can change! I guess old dogs can learn new tricks! You can learn to retrain your brain to quiet the nervous pathways and strengthen others so that you don’t automatically go down the worry path!

If your typical pattern to facing problems is to feel depressed, your brain will continue that habit. However, we can instruct our brain to come up with creative solutions to our problems, thereby opening new pathways for our brains to use instead. If you program your mind with images of you being happy, and visualize the desired images long enough, your brain will associate happiness with them as the brain is not completely reliable at distinguishing actual events from fantasy or perception.

“The more you ask your brain to think happy thoughts, the more your brain responds by forging new…neural circuitry to light up your happy board, and by weakening the neuronal pathways that drain your happy thoughts.” (Train Your Brain To Get Happy).

 “If you routinely dwell on your resentments, regrets, and other negative emotions, the neurons involved in that particular mental activity will fire busily at the same time and automatically start wiring together as well. This process will add one more bit of neural structure to feeling discontented, angry or sad. On the other hand, if you regularly focus on the good feelings around you and inside you, like kindness, compassion, empathy, and patience, then the neurons involved in those thoughts will wire together and take up more space, stitching together more hopefulness, confidence, and happiness into the fabric of your brain and yourself (and taking away space from the negative paths!).

Last week i talked about negative thinking. Here’s what happens when we get stuck in negative thought patterns. Negative thoughts literally can make our brains dysfunctional! Certain brain configurations cause people’s emotions to repeat themselves, without decreasing in intensity. If the thoughts and feelings involve sadness or despair, it can lead to depression. Our brains were not meant to function for prolonged periods of time on negative thinking. Getting stuck in negative thought patterns makes it harder for a person to rebound from negative thoughts and emotions which makes it difficult to control these responses.

It is important to think about what we are thinking about! As I mentioned last Wednesday, the bible was onto something when it says of our thought life that

“whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”
Philippians 4:7-9

The authors of the book “Train your brain to get happy” most certainly agree that “on the flip side, being focused on positive, happy, hopeful, optimistic, joyful thoughts produces chemicals that create a sense of well-being, which helps your brain function at peak capacity.”

“Negative thinking slows down brain coordination, making it difficult to process thoughts and find solutions. Feeling frightened, which often happens when focused on negative outcomes, has been shown to decrease activity in the cerebellum, which slows the brain’s ability to process new information, and the left temporal lobe, which affects mood, memory, and impulse control.” (Train Your brain to get happy).

I can certainly identify with this. Whenever I am down in the dumps, it is more difficult to think of anything positive. In such times, when I try a “gratitude exercise” of trying to find 5 things I am grateful for that day, I struggle to come up with even one or two. But on a good day, I can think of so many things to be grateful for! As Napolean Hill said:

“As a man thinketh, so is he.”

Our minds have the ability to control what type of thinking we allow to go on. So go ahead… Get happy! Think some happy thoughts today! Dwell on the good things in life, even if it is a simple pleasure, like your favorite dessert, or a day at the beach, or your last vacation… Ahhh!!! Summer! Sleeping in, going out for breakfast with a good friend, reading a good book, watching a great movie, doing something kind for someone else, sitting by a fireplace in the winter, campfires in the summer, good uplifting music….

Think your way to happiness, feel your way to happiness, sleep well, eat well… Things will start to look up!

Some quick tips on good brain foods before I sign off for today… Whole grains, bananas, tuna, beans, barley, sweet potatoes, nutrient rich fruits and vegetables such as broccoli, spinach, Brussels sprouts. Dark green vegetables and dark orange vegetables like carrots and yams are excellent choices. Red peppers, eggplant, tomatoes, even red wine are powerful antioxidants!

Cancer preventing veggies: Bok choy, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, kale, rutabagas, turnips, and watercress.

Brain superfoods: Salmon, blueberries, apples, nuts, quinoa, oats, soy, chocolate!!!!

On that note… I’m getting hungry! Gonna go raid the fridge and see what I can eat to get my brain happier!

If you’d like to look at a great resource, check out my one-on-one Personal Development Program which will help you overcome depression, unhealthy thought patterns and so much more!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


Today, I am simply going to discuss some common symptoms of stress & burnout and include a symptoms checklist at the end.

Cognitive symptoms may include:

  • Memory Trouble
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Anxious thoughts
  • Constant worrying
  • Seeing only the negative

Emotional symptoms can include:

  • Feelings of being overwhelmed
  • Depression or general unhappiness
  • Irritability
  • Moodiness
  • Inability to relax
  • Feelings of agitation

Behavioral symptoms:

  • Eating more or less
  • Sleeping too much or not enough
  • Procrastinating
  • Isolating yourself from other’s
  • Neglecting or avoiding responsibility
  • Using alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms
  • Nervous physical habits such as pacing, inability to sit still, nail biting, etc.

Physical symptoms include:

  • Trembling, shakiness
  • Aches and pains
  • Diarrhea or constipation
  • Rapid heartbeat
  • Dizziness
  • Nausea
  • Loss of sex drive

Now let’s take a quick look at burnout.

Here are some common symptoms:

  • Feeling tired and drained most of the time
  • Frequent headaches
  • Sense of failure or self doubt
  • Loss of motivation or interest in your work &/or your usual interests
  • Feeling extremely cynical or negative
  • Sense of dissatisfaction
  • Feeling helpless
  • Detached or numb
  • Feeling alone
  • Procrastinating or taking longer doing tasks or performing responsibilities
  • Getting easily frustrated at others
  • Skipping work or leaving early
  • Using drugs or alcohol to cope
  • Feeling like you have little or no control
  • Getting sick more frequently
  • Constantly exhausted
  • Neglecting your own needs
  • Feeling like you just don’t care anymore
  • Irritability toward people you are are responsible to care for
  • Feeling overwhelmed all the time

Symptoms Checklist:

Instructions: Rate your stress related symptoms below for the degree of discomfort that the following situations would cause you.

Scoring:
1-3 Slight discomfort
4-7 Moderate discomfort
8-10 Extreme discomfort

Symptom.                                                                             Degree of Discomfort.

Anxiety in specific Situations:

Tests
Deadlines
Competing priorities
Interviews
Public speaking

Anxiety in personal
Relationships:

Spouse
Parents
Children
Friends
Other

Worry
Depression
Anxiety
Anger
Irritability
Resentment
Phobias
Fears
Muscular Tension
High blood pressure
Neck pain
Backaches
Indigestion
Muscle spasms
Insomnia
Sleeping difficulties
Work stress

How do you rate yourself on each of the above categories. Record the number for each of the above. What is your stress level? Slight? Moderate? Severe? Do you know effective tools to reduce your stress?

If you are relating to this, and feel like you need some additional help, Sign-Up Today for my montly webinar on stress management!! If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

Cheers!

————- 

 If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


ImageI’m wrapping up my series on abuse, with some tools to break the cycle! We’ve discussed verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, as well as the subject of bullying and violence in the workplace over the past month. Today I want to equip you with some tools to know when to stay and when to go, how to hold your ground and maintain your boundaries, and respect yourself in the process.

The decision to continue or end the relationship will likely be a difficult one. You have history together, some good and some bad. You are likely fueled with hope for repair, that maybe ‘this time it will be better’. Envisioning your life free from the abuse is foreign and distant, and let’s face it, often things that are unfamiliar are fearful. What will life be like without him or her? You hold onto hope, because there is a part of you that is so attached to ‘need’ for the relationship. As I mentioned a couple weeks back while discussing sexual abuse, the same holds true for all abusive relationships: “our lack of connection is a big reason why we choose unsafe people. If we are not able to connect in an intimate way with others, then we will often pick people who are unable to connect as well. If someone is isolated inside, she will pick isolating relationships until she addresses her problem. Fear of abandonmennt fuels an ongoing isolating connection.Many times someone who is in a painful relationship should set strong boundaries or cut off the relationship altogether for a time. But he fears being alone so much that he can’t do it. Every time he thinks of standing up to the other person, or getting out of the relationship, he is overwhelmed by feelings of loss and aloneness, and he either avoids the difficult step to begin with, or he quickly caves in. Because he doesn’t have primary safe and supportive relationships, he would rather have the unsafe relationship ghan nothing at all. This… keeps the isolation and abandonment going.” Dr. Henry Cloud PhDImage

The above quote is the precise reason why choosing to end an abusive relationship is so hard.

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.”

-William Blake

Before we examine reasons to leave an abusive relationship, let’s take a look at some good reasons to stay.

If your abusive partner has admitted to being abusive and has begun to take some of the following steps to change the abusive pattern, you may want to consider going the distance or at least staying a while longer to see how sincere or permanent this change is. The steps your abusive partner needs to take are as follows:

  • 1. Admit to himself that he is abusive and acknowledge the damage he has done.
  • 2. Understand the reasons why he abuses.
  • 3. Understand her abusive pattern and work on her unfinished business from the past that traps her in the abuse cycle (ie. having been abused as a child – hurting people hurt people)
  • 4. Admit to your partner that you have been abusive.
  • 5. Apologize to your partner and work on developing empathy for her and others.
  • 6. Learn and practice ways to identify her anger, pain and sress in constructive and healthy ways.
  • 7. Identify your triggers and false beliefs.
  • 8. Seek professional help. Be willing to see a counselor for the long haul until the root issues are revealed and being dealt with.

However, this is not the only thing necessary for change to occur. Believe it or not, the abused person needs to take some action as well in order for this process to work. If the abused partner is willing to do the following steps, there may be hope for real change in your relationship.

  • 1. Admit to yourself that you are being abused and acknowledge the damage you have experienced as a result.
  • 2. Understand the reasons why you chose an abusive partner to begin with. (ie. examine the isolation/fear of abandonment mentioned above).
  • 3. Examine and understand the reasons why you have put up with the abuse.
  • 4. Understand your pattern and work on completing YOUR own unfinished business. This can be done with a therapist if you are unsure how to go about doing this.
  • 5. Confront your partner on his or her abusive behavior. Believe it or not, but this is a CRUCIAL step. If you are unable to do this, there is little hope for real and lasting change. You will need to examine the subject of boundaries and how to set and maintain them for your protection.
  • 6. Pay attention to your feelings. Sometimes emotional abuse is subtle, and you may not even be aware that it is taking place, especially when you become accustomed, or ‘used to’ it. Notice physical reactions like knots in your stomach, or tightness in your chest. Pay careful attention to how you are feeling when you are with the abusive person. You DO have the ability to determine when things are ok, despite possible put downs you endure frequently that cause you to second guess yourself.
  • 7. Take your power back by setting up and enforcing your boundaries. I am a certified personal development and relationship life coach and spend a lot of focus on developing solid boundaries. Feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session with me if you feel you need help learning about and setting boundaries. You can find me on my website at http://www.freedomlifelove.com to book your free consultation to see whether working with me is the right fit for you. 
  • 8. Continue to speak up each time abuse occurs. If you let it slip just one time, you may be giving up your power, and allowing the abuse cycle to start all over again.
  • 9. Be prepared that if you confront, things MAY get worse before they get better, as being confronted most likely will not sit well with the abusive person at first. But setting limits is the only way to stop the cycle.
  • 10. Be on the alert for the moment it is not working, and you need to make preparations to leave to ensure your safety.

Other Reasons why you stay:Image

  • My partner told me it was my fault and i believed her.
  • I’m afraid I am unlovable, or unattractive, stupid, etc. because he says I am.
  • I am afraid I will never be loved by anyone else.
  • I’m afraid of what he will do if I leave.
  • I am afraid for my safety.
  • I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own financially.
  • You may also struggle with a strong desire to avoid confrontation or
  • a tendancy to try and believe that things are better than they are.
  • You feel responsible for their behavior.
  • You blame yourself for the problems in the relationship because you believe what she says that you ARE the problem in the relationship
  • You listen to the lies spoken and believe them as fact.
  • You make excuses for their behavior.
  • And once again… that dreadful fear of being alone.

Be prepared that if you confront, and say something like “I don’t want you to talk to me that way.” Or set a limit such as “If you hit me I will leave until you can calm down.” or simply let them know that their statement is abusive. In response, you will likely get an argument (or further berating or familiar abusive tendancies.) Are you prepared to stand your ground if this happens? Don’t engage in the argument. Simply stand firm by repeating the same thing you stated before. Be prepared to follow through on whatever limits and consequences you set on their behavior. They may give you the silent treatment. Don’t let him get away with that either. Remind him that this is also abusive and disrespectful and that you do not appreciate it.

If you can do all the above steps (there are tons more… too much for one blog) you may have grounds to stay in the relationship.

Another good reason to stay (at least for a time, to see how things fare) is if you and/or your partner have admitted to being abusive and have begun working with a counselor or marital counseling. Do not stay on the basis of the promise alone that she will go with you to therapy. If she makes good on her promise, then you might have a chance. If she makes a promise to seek professional help and does not follow through, her commitment is not sincere, and you are likely in store for more of the same.

If you make it clear you are unwilling to tolerate abuse of any kind, and your partner is willing to work on changing their behavior and makes positive steps toward change, then you may have a chance of making it work.

If your partner has begun already any of the processes or stages mentioned above and has become less abusive, or not as often, this may be an indication of their willingness to work on and change behavior. Change takes time. Abusive speech and actions are a learned behavior and will have to be unlearned. They may have slips from time to time, but if it is decreasing, and they have become more loving and treat you as an equal partner in the relationship and are actively working toward bettering themselves, deciding to wait and see may not be such a bad idea. Each situation is different, and if you feel in danger in any way, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you can before it has the opportunity to escalate further.

Some questions to ask yourself to determine the amount of good will in your relationship, as well as to help you determine if getting out or staying is the best choice for you at the time are:Image

1. Do you and your partner have an equal footing in the relationship?

2. Do you have an intimate connection?

3. Do you feel like your partner’s intentions are good when it comes to how he/she treats you?

4. Do you have much in common?

5. Do you experience more joy than pain in the relationship?

6. Do you believe your partner genuinely wishes you well, and may just have some bad communication habits, rather than an intention to deliberately undermine, control, manipulate or destroy you?

Even if you want to say yes to staying based on what I have said above, here are some things to consider when it comes to whether you have endured too much pain in the relationship to stay.

ImageGood reasons to Leave

If your partner refuses to acknowledge and take responsibility for his abusive actions, or admit to being abusive, he is beyond reasoning with, and needs the limit of your leaving to protect yourself from further injury.

If your partner does not seek out help for her abusive behavior… on their own. If you have to do it all for them, you are taking responsibility for something that is not yours to own. They must see the reason for help and seek it out on their own, thereby taking responsibility for their own actions.

If you have made yourself clear that you will not tolerate any further abuse, but she still continues to abuse, you should leave.

If you or your partner are unwilling to follow these suggestions and/or the ones given to you by your therapist, there is little hope for things to be any different. As the saying goes: “The definintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!” And another one I particularly like is this: “Until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, then you will change.” If you continue to stay involved in the same cycle over and over, nothing will change until you are tired of the cycle and finally the pain is too much to remain trapped in the abusive cycle.

WHEN YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO LEAVE!!!Image

  • If you or your children are being emotionally, physically or sexually abused by your partner. If your partner is overly dominating, controlling, critical or rejecting of you, this pattern may be passed on to other members of the family, such as your children.
  • If your children are being damaged by the emotional abuse between you and your partner.
  • If your partner is physically abusing you or threatening to do so.
  • If you have reached a point where you now have become physically abusive as well.
  • If you are fantasizing about ways to kill or harm your spouse.
  • If you are seriously questioning your sanity.
  • If it becomes clear to you that your partner has no respect for you at all.

Seek outside help immediately. Go to your supportive friends or family members, or an agency in your area that can help you get the help you need.

Learn how to prevent abuse in the future.Image

Ways to spot an abuser:

  • someone with poor impulse control
  • low self esteem
  • selfishness and narcissistic
  • being needy and demanding of your time, attention, etc.
  • Alcohol or drug abuse or addiction
  • A history of abuse (either as an abuser, via his/her reputation among peers, or experienced it as a child growing up. Most kids who were abused grow up either as abusers or the abused.)
  • Any history of mental illness
  • If they exhibit anti social behavior, have a personality disorder.
  • Becomes agressive, demanding or abusive.
  • A need to feel powerful and in control.

Make a list oImagef what you will not tolerate in future relationships. For instance, “I won’t have a relationship that is not equal”, or “I won’t stay in a relationship if it becomes clear that it is all about him/her”, or “I won’t be in a relationship with someone who criticizes me,” or plainly and simply, “I won’t have a relationship with someone who hits me and does not have control of their anger.”

Make your list and set your limits. These will prove to be the boundaries you need to stand on and enforce when and if the time comes for you to have to confront the issue.

If you still wrestle with how to find safe and supportive relationships, circle back to a blog I did in my boundaries series a while back on identifying safe people if you have not already read it, or need a crash course reminder on the subject!

I hope that this information has been informative and beneficial to you, or as a tool to offer someone you know who is currently in an abusive relationship. Please tell them to read this blog and encourage them to seek outside help!

If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach

 

Networking


Today I want to give a shout out to Khama Anku of spiritual physique in LA California, who has went above and beyond, promoting my life coaching practice, #freedom#life#love!

Khama has been in the coaching business for approx. 17 years and has it in her heart to help promote other coaching practices, such as mine!

So far, Khama has interviewed me for a teleclass on the 4 stages of boundary development, as I believe that boundaries are the essential building blocks for developing and maintaining healthy relationships. Most people skip over this particular subject, or have a vague understanding of the subject of boundaries, or are blissfully unaware altogether how important boundary development is in ALL relationships. You can listen to my interview with Khama at any time. It is available on my website as well.

Khama has also recently put out a detailed video endorsement of my Tele class with her, which I will post today as well on my blog for you to check out below! On top of all this, I am scheduled to do a video interview with her as well, coming soon, and to be interviewed on her radio station as well! I also was invited to go to California to a coaching conference where I will be featured as one of the coaching experts on personal development and relationships!

I am thrilled with the networking opportunity that has come out of this, and have gotten to know Knama a little and she has such a great exuberant heart to undergird and promote other coaches and offer supportive and creative opportunities to market private coaching practices! She has spent much time and effort doing all of this, and I am most grateful! I have entered into an affiliate program with Khama, and would love to promote her products as well, while I am still in the works of developing my own products.

I strongly encourage you to check out Khama’s series titled “Unleashing Your Breakthrough“.  This series is an excellent resource for learning how to Feel more confident and secure, Acquire radiant health and energy, Develop Satisfying Rlationships, Succeed at work you love, and so much more! 

The bottom line is, I am super grateful for the time and energy she has invested into promoting my business, that I would like to extend the same courtesy and invite you to check out what she has to offer.

I am also promoting the A-21 Campaign on my website as well, an organization that helps victims of human trafficking get out and get the help they need to re-orient them back into their lives and deal with the traumatic aftermath of the hell they have endured. If you wish to check out what the A-21 Campaign is doing, please click on the link on my website which will automatically refer you to their website as well! You can find ways to support what they are doing or donate funds to the organization empowering them to do more for these victims of the sex trade. I personally donate 10% of everything I make in my coaching business to the A-21 Campaign.

I am currently finishing up a book on personal development and how it affects our relationships as well. I am hoping to be finished writing it by the end of this month, at which point I will be looking at getting it published! Stay tuned for more updates on that as well!

Networking is such a great idea, and I am thankful for all those who have partnered with me in this life coaching journey! Including my classmates, teacher, and supportive friends who have encouraged me and cheered me on the path to reach this dream of mine!

You can reach yours too! I have faith in you! If you would like some coaching on how to reach your dreams, or in some area of personal development or help with a relationship, please click on the contact me page on my website, and sign up for one complimentary 30 minute life coaching session with me, to see if we both feel that you are ready for coaching at this time, and feel like we are a good fit. If not, I will happily refer you to one of my coaching colleagues if you feel they may be a better fit for you at this time!

If you know me, and believe in my coaching ability, I encourage you to spread the word and recommend me to those in your life you feel would benefit from entering a coaching relationship with me! I do international coaching, over Skype or phone so distance is not a barrier!

Cheers! God bless and have a great day!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach


I have been doing a series on abuse for the last few weeks in my Friday blogs, and am continuing on that theme this week on the subject of bullying and violence in the workplace. I will finish up the series next Friday on how to break the cycle of abuse.

To get started today on the subject of workplace violence and bullying, let’s begin by defining some terms so we are all clear on the definitions of violence, bullying, discrimination, workplace interpersonal conflict and harassment.

Violence is defined by an exertion of physical force as to injure or abuse. An instance of violent treatment or procedure. It is also an act of behavior that jeapordizes someone’s physical or psychological well-being. It involves a threat to one’s life, safety, health, or integrity. The intent to control, dominate, to injure or destroy, to deprive a person of dignity. Workplace violence includes verbal abuse, threats, physical attacks as well as near misses, psychological abuses, assault, sexual assault, discrimination of any kind, harassment and bullying.

Workplace bullying is a repeated pattern of intentional inappropriate behavior, direct or indirect (aggressive or passive), whether verbal, physical or otherwise, performed by one or more persons against another person or group of people which could reasonably be regarded as under,inning the individual’s right to dignity at work.

Discrimination is any practice or behavior, whether intentional or not, which has a negative effect on an individual or group, because of their race, ancestry, place of origin, color, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed (religion), sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, family status, or handicap (disability).

A Workplace interpersonal conflict is defined as a an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Finally, harassment is defined as engaging in a course of annoying and provoking comment or conduct, that is, or ought reasonably to be known to be unwelcome, and related to one of the protected grounds in the human rights code. The human rights code includes the following areas of protected grounds under the definition of harassment: Race, ancestry, place of origin, color, citizenship, creed, sexual orientation, age, marital status, family status, handicap and gender.

The profile of a bully looks like this:

Someone who is insecure, has low self esteem, poor or non existent social skills, little empathy, someone who is controlling, or manipulative, often driven by jealousy of ability, or jealous of relationships.

The profile of a target is someone who is very capable, dedicated, intelligent, honest with integrity, trustworthy, loyal and independent, sensitive, who has the ability to master new skills & perform new tasks. Someone who is well liked, imaginative, creative or innovative, with high moral standards.

Now that we have some definitions out of the way, let’s look at how to define whether your conflict involves a bully or is merely based on assumptions of another person. For instance, if you are a person who has trouble with confrontation, and even hearing that word makes you feel like the very nature of confrontation itself is an aggressive positioning of one against another, thereby defining, by you’re experience that confrontation equals bullying, you will have a hard time identifying between bullying and simple confrontation. Confrontation done well, does not have to involve force or violence, or even raising one’s voice to try and gain a position of power, or strength to confront. It can be done in a very straightforward way, involving both compassion and respect for the person you are confronting. Confrontation CAN be a very loving and caring act if performed with good intent, with no malice or undealt with anger in order to bring about a positive result for both parties involved.

If you are confronting a reasonable person, and not a bully, someone who is able to hear your voiced complaints or concerns, or request for change, this person will respond differently from a bully. They will take what you say to heart, they are able to listen, adapt and change, and give feedback positively, and take criticism well, they are empathetic and are concerned not only about their well being, but yours as well. They have a genuine concern and make effort to improve, change, adapt and accommodate to the best of their ability. They do not allow problems that crop up to become negative continuing patterns. They are looking for ways they can make the situation better.

The bully on the other hand, will try to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it. When given feedback, they become defensive and immediately come back with reasons why something is not their fault. They cannot own or take responsibility for their own actions, and insist that other’s do, by their actions more than their words. They react as though you were the person who needs to take responsibility for their anger and bitterness. This type of person cannot hear or understand how to listen to reason, and cannot reason, they have to control their environment, a d when they cannot get away with that, the begin to bulky to try and get the environment to comply with their perceived ability to control it. They often minimize, blame shift, or make up exaggerated complaints against you, when you attempt to address a conflict. Excuses, rationalizations, minimizing… These are the traits of someone who cannot reason with you when you address a conflict. And when you do, this is often when the bully within them begins to emerge. The only way to deal with a bully is to stop talking, and set limits on their behavior. They do not respond to reason. This is where you need to ensure you have a healthy set of boundaries, so that you can hold your ground.

Know who to contact if you believe you are being bullied. Contact the management team in your workplace and make a formal complaint if necessary. Learn how to recognize the warning signs.
Get help. The negative effects of bullying over time do take their toll on one’s stress level, and psychological well being, as well as one’s productivity or positive attitude in the workplace. If you are experiencing burnout, you MAY be around people who are wearing on your overall well being. Burnout does not always involve bullying, nor is it always the cause, but it can be a symptom if you identify with any of the issues raised in this blog,

If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

Stay tuned for next week’s conclusion on the subject of abuse!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach

Sexual Abuse


Sexual abuse is a major problem in today’s society, going far beyond domestic violence, sexual exploitation has become a major multi-billion dollar business exploiting and trafficking human lives to sexually gratify one person at the expense of another. Although, in the case of human trafficking, this gratification goes far beyond one person’s gratification, as a whole industry is gratified lucratively for monetary value at the expense of innocent lives sold into slavery to fulfill a greedy lust for power, money and sexual addiction, and perversion. Let’s face it, to pay for sex with an unwilling participant is cruel to say the least, but goes to prove that we have an incredible problem with sexual addiction in our culture. Only sexual addiction and lust for power and greed can ignore the humanity of another to gratify one’s own lust. The purpose of this blog is to discuss sexual abuse and not sexual addiction, so I will not go in depth on that particular subject, but I will say this much before moving on: sexual addiction is not even about sex. It is coping mechanism for early childhood boundary violations, or trauma, or to cope with a lack of nurturing. It is a ‘quick fix’ to deal with much deeper issues of isolation and emotional neglect, or other issues a child cannot figure out how to deal with that are traumatic in their life. It is a way to temporarily ‘feel better.’ it may even be caused by being sexually violated themselves in childhood.

So let’s take a look at domestic violations that seriously affect a child on into adulthood, often for the rest of their lives without divine intervention and intense healing to allow the consequences of the violation to be made whole.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse, as it is a physical violation, involving a lot of shameful emotions. It is also a boundary violation, coming back to the series I did on boundaries, one of the boundaries that we have is physical, involving who can touch us and how. The problem with sexual abuse, especially in childhood, is that this boundary is completely disregarded, teaching the child that they do not actually ‘own’ this boundary, or the right to say ‘no’ to unwanted and inappropriate touch. Just like the out of control problem with sex in our culture I just mentioned, the same principles apply in domestic cases of sexual abuse. It is the same issue: one person exploited and taken advantage of for another’s sexual pleasure.

Children take in a lot of information and pick up on everything. They are very observant and can feel that something is inappropriate or ‘not quite right.’ But they lack the development to know what something healthy should look like if it is not modeled. The problem of sexual abuse is that suddenly a child becomes unsafe in their own home. They lose all ability to know what ‘safe’ should be. Sadly, this carries on into adulthood, and a recurrent pattern of sexual abuse continues throughout their life.

Some of the effects and consequence of sexual abuse that happen in the life of the one abused, is that they learn that they do not ‘own’ their own bodies, that they do not have the right to say ‘no.’ the same shame and secrecy and threats from childhood resonate deep within their spirit. Often the abuser threatens with ‘don’t tell anyone, or else’ messages. The child can grow up believing she must give herself away, and is not allowed to set limits on other people’s behavior, or that she is powerless to do anything about it, as she was powerless in childhood to her childhood abuser.
All sorts of confusion can arise. Everything from confusing sex with affection, nurture and intimacy or she may become rigid and avoid sex and fear affection believing affection will cause sex which has all kinds of negative experiences associated with it in her mind, because sex was not a mutually beneficial experience for her. Sex and affection are interpreted as ‘exploitation.’ Sex may not be seen by someone who has been abused and violated as something enjoyable and safe. It often involves fear or a resigned detached participation believing she is powerless against it, to the opposite extreme of offering her body willingly to anyone, in search of finding affection and nurture, but because these things were distorted from sexual abuse, she lacks the understanding of knowing what authentic nurture, affection and intimacy really are.

Other common effects are an inability to trust, ana an altered sense of impaired judgment to determine what is ‘safe’ from ‘unsafe’, unable to properly judge character, as this part of them has become shattered by previous abuse. Often we choose people to connect to very subjectively. We base it on who we feel a connection or sense of attraction to, or what “pulls us” toward someone. This in and of itself is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, but for one who has been abused, the sense of ‘familiarity’ is what draws a person to repeat abusive cycles. We are drawn to the familiar. We are also drawn to ‘complete’ our growth & development. If there is some unfinished business in the area of growing, we are attracted to what feels familiar in order to complete that growth. Unfortunately, attempting to complete that growth without awareness of what the unfilled need is, ‘pulls us in’ to cyclical patterns, doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different or better result. This is why those who have experienced abuse of any kind, need retraining in a sense. They need to understand a healthy set of boundaries to teach them how to be drawn to healthier relationships. This is because some of the basic tools for living were not taught or distorted in their early development. As I mentioned above, trust is one of those areas that becomes distorted from sexual abuse, the same applies to boundaries, and can also distort our decision making processes, (ie. being drawn to unhealthy people, inability to follow through with promises, inability to make decisions, or trust their decisions,) and it can also cause problems with planning and organization.

Other problems that result from sexual abuse are anxiety and stress disorders, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, compulsive behaviors, rage, self mutilation, self hatred, problems with concentrating and much much more.

Some of the disruptions that take place for normal development involving any kind of abuse include a lack of predictability, sense or order, love, acceptance, nurture, safety and security, appropriate attention and healthy affection and recognition and appreciation for the talents and abilities and simply the God given sense of a healthy self esteem.

One thing I have not yet mentioned is why it is that once people are in an abusive relationship of any kind in adulthood, why it is that they often feel they cannot leave.

According to Dr.s Henry Cloud and John Townsend, PhD,

“our lack of connection is a big reason why we choose unsafe people. If we are not able to connect in an intimate way with others, then we will often pick people who are unable to connect as well. If someone is isolated inside, she will pick isolating relationships until she addresses her problem. Fear of abandonment fuels an ongoing isolating connection. Many times someone who is in a painful relationship should set strong… boundaries or cut off a relationship altogether for a time. But he fears being alone so much he can’t do it. Every time he thinks of standing up to the other person, or getting out of the relationship, he is overwhelmed by feelings of loss and aloneness, and he either avoids the difficult step to begin with, or he quickly caves in. Because he doesn’t have primary safe and supportive relationships, he would rather have the unsafe relationship than nothing at all. This all-or-nothing split keeps the isolation and abandonment going.”

Sexual abuse in childhood most often leads us to abusive relationships later in life. They may not always be sexually abusive, but the lack of a healthy understanding of one’s physical boundaries can lead to allowing yourself to put up with mistreatment of any kind. As well as the lack of connection and feelings of isolation keeping us locked in a relationship that involves mistreatment of any kind, due to a fear of being alone, disconnected and isolated. Any kind of abuse leads to all sorts of problems. Even if you were not sexually abused as a child, if you have undergone any other type of abusive interactions, these same principles apply, the same lack of understanding of boundaries, the same lack of connection that leads one to try and find some way to fill the void.

There is hope for recovery. There is hope for being totally restored, change can take place. Your patterns of being drawn to unsafe, unhealthy relationships can change as you begin to develop a stronger sense of your self worth, and an understanding of healthy boundaries. The more you begin to value these things, your values will change and you will begin to be drawn to others with the same healthy values. Like attracts like. There IS hope.

Stay tuned for next week as I touch on workplace bullying, and the following Friday as I close the series with learning some tools to break the cycle of abuse, and how to get out of unsafe, and unhealthy abusive relationships. How to know when and if there is hope for change in the relationship, or if you are simply staying for the reasons mentioned above: fear of abandonment.

As I have mentioned from my previous blogs on this sensitive subject, if you or someone you know is being abused, in the words of the song twenty seven million, “We’ve got to rise up, open our eyes up, be her voice, be her freedom, come and stand up!” Contact the appropriate authorities, Children’s aid, or the police, or whatever the situation calls for. Go to a shelter for battered women if you are a woman being abused. Seek help! If you are a mother or father who has a child coming to you telling you they are being abused, take them seriously, listen to them, stand up for them and don’t ignore it. Do not be passively involved in allowing it to continue. If you are not standing up for your child for fear of your own safety, you need to seek help for yourself as well. It is likely you too, are being abused in some form or another.

If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Boundary Development Program which will help bring control back into your life!

I would also like to mention on a closing note, that my coaching business, Freedom Life Love, supports the A-21 Campaign, an organization devoted to fighting against human trafficking and rescuing those sold into slavery, and helping to rehabilitate, restore and re-establish these victims back into society. I would also recommend downloading the song “Twenty seven million” by Matt Redman and LZ7 from iTunes on the subject of human trafficking, as the proceeds from your purchase of this song go towards rescuing these innocent children and youth from their exploiters.

Let us ‘rise up’ together, and be the voice, be the freedom, be part of the solution to the problem of abuse!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Relationship Life Coach

%d bloggers like this: