Tag Archive: effective communication



I’m starting a new series for the next couple of months on relationships and marriage. Over the next several weeks, I will discuss such concerns as how to effective deal with confrontation, forgiveness, receiving love, some marriage basic ‘need to know’ tools, differences in gender needs and love languages, etc. Today I want to start the series off right by addressing some essential characteristics of healthy relationships. I will address more of the same in subsequent blogs.

Relationships can be difficult even for the best of relationships, and even though those relationships you look to as examples of how to get it right, that seem so streamlined and perfect while you watch them in admiration from a distance – those couples know a very important secret: Healthy relationships take work! While there are many contributing factors to making a relationship great, I am going to touch on some key elements to getting you started on making your relationships great!!

First of all there is commitment. It must be paramount in your relationship with your spouse or potential future life partner (for those of you not married yet).

What is commitment and how sincere is your commitment to each other? We live in an age where commitment is a word not really understood. With high divorce rates looming, we seem to as a generation lack a clear understanding of what commitment means. The marriage vows we read on our wedding day, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, give way to the wedding plans and the excitement of the day itself. And many traditional wedding vows are no longer being used.

Just what are we committing to? And when you’ve been down the road of marriage for many years, just how fresh in your mind do those early vows remain? There are reasons why the book of proverbs tells us so clearly to guard our hearts and even our eyes, to keep us from the temptation of greener pastures elsewhere when you are doing the real hard work of marriage -being truly know and loved for your flaws and all. Commitment certainly is something we need to newly re-evaluate and determine once again: till death do us part.

Honesty is integral. If you cannot be honest with the person you are spending the rest of your life with, you will have major problems down the road. Your secrets will not stay hidden, even if you have been successful for years. All that is hidden comes to the light. Once it is exposed, often the damage is so severe that many relationships fall apart. Without honesty, you cannot have a real relationship. You cannot be fully known. If you are not really known, you cannot truly experience intimacy. To be known requires openness. if you cannot be open, you are putting on a show. This is called ‘performance’, or even people pleasing. Eventually, resentment will settle in your heart because you are not being up front. What is not expressed is your responsibility. You are responsible to own your own needs, your own flaws, failures and weaknesses. It is ok to have weaknesses. It is important that they be brought into the light of relationship so that grace can cover over your failures and weaknesses, and that the other person can offer their strength, support or skill to help you become better in some of your weaker areas. This is how it is meant to be. Two imperfect people in a partnership, helping each other along to become all that God meant for them to become.

Connectedness is also necessary. If you do not have common ground, common interests, or understand how each other needs to bond and connect, one or both of you will experience great lack. It is important however, for me to uncover a great misconception here: your partner is not meant to meet ALL your needs. There are varying relationships in your life, as it was meant to be, for you to find fulfillment and be well balanced in your life. Women need women friends. Men just don’t understand the finer details that another woman ‘gets’ quite naturally. The same is true for men. Guys bond in ways in which women cannot understand, or compete with. But at the same time, there must be a connection in your primary relationship with each other. It is a good idea to sit down and determine how you need to bond and attach, figure out what ways make you feel the most loved or respected. How do you feel heard and understood? What do you need? Figure out what these things are and sit down and communicate to each other so that you can both work diligently at preferring each other in order to connect and attach in ways the other person will feel most loved and connected with you.

Effective communication. This is a very critical element required to sustain a healthy bond with your partner. This is also where most relationships break down. Effective communication involves active listening, affirmation of what the other is saying, and though this might sound silly, sometimes even simply acknowledging the other person’s point of view before jumping in with your own can de-escalate an evolving crisis! Make sure you clarify what you have heard the other person say, and ensure you understand his or her viewpoint before running on your own assumptions of the other person’s motives. Remember, we don’t EVER know another person’s motives unless we ask questions to clarify. Try and avoid ‘Always’ and ‘Never’ statements, blaming, and only seeing from an all or nothing perspective fixating your attention on every flaw in the other person. Try and remember to be merciful and gracious towards each other, believe the best of each other and have basic goodwill towards each other. There are many more tips I can offer on this most difficult part of relationship, but these are some great tips to get you started!

Separateness & respect are not often addressed when looking at relationship tools, but are definitely not to be dismissed. Oftentimes, initially in the early stages of a relationship, both people feel like they are ‘the same’ as each other, that you both like the same things, hold the same moral or tradition or religious beliefs, but can be sadly mistaken down the road to realize ‘I am not the same as my spouse’. I hold different ideas on how to raise a family, or how many kids you want, or different vacation preferences. These things can extend into very deep areas as well. You may hold different theological perspectives on life, or even just enjoy differing leisure activities. The more we can learn to both respect and appreciate the differences in each other, the closer we come to a place of the desired intimacy you both want. No one wants to be controlled. No one wants to feel manipulated into doing something you are opposed to. We need to respect each other’s individuality, encourage it, come along and support each other in the areas of difference. In this way, we are respecting each other and loving the ‘whole’ person rather than accepting only what adheres to our own perspective, sending a message of rejection to the other person that who they truly are is not good enough.

Dealing with conflict well. Here is where your effective communication skills need to be used meticulously! Do not get sloppy in this area! Remember in your anger that you love the other person enough to treat them respectfully and with dignity and grace. I will address this subject in further detail in a subsequent blog as I believe it deserves fuller attention than the scope of today’s overview.

And above all, love. Speaking of which, the most important element in healthy relationships is love. Sadly, love is a word thrown around so easily, and taken away so quickly when the going gets tough. We misunderstand love immensely in this culture where we love everything from our favorite television program to our Gucci handbag, to our favorite car or pair of shoes. We love our iPhones, our favorite dessert, to most any kind of food really. We use the word so carelessly that it has lost its meaning. And love in these terms has a limit. We take it back when we don’t mean it anymore, when we no longer ‘feel’ loving towards someone. This kind of love is not real love at all. Real love never fails. It never gives up, it never quits, it never stops hoping or believing for good to come about. Real love is unconditional. It does not seek its own agenda first, but prefers others above oneself. It never gives up. This is the kind of love we need to learn to emulate.

Stay tuned for next Friday as I unpack healthy confrontation tips further!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Advertisements

Image

My husband and I have always kind of prided ourselves in the fact that we believed we communicated rather effectively with each other. We would and still often spend hours and hours just ‘talking’ about anything and everything, but usually heart to heart, deep and meaningful conversations.

But every so often you hit a bump in the road where the art of effective conversation breaks down. Recently, in one of our conversations, my husband communicated some of the people pleasing issues he has always wrestled with, and with his permission, I share this story that we have been working together on some boundary devlopment areas in his life. If you have been reading my series on fridays about boundaries, you know that boundaries involve building a sense of self. Understanding things like “what do you care about? What do you believe? What do you hate? What do you love? Who are you? What is attractive to you? What repels you? What do you value? What do you think about? What are you really like? These kinds of questions help us develop a sense of who we are apart from others, helping us develop our own sense of identity, rather than trying to judge and determine what kind of camelion we need to be in order to please our current audience. So Jason (my hubby) and I have been talking about these things and helping him to become aware of his own identity and me trying to be supportive of him becoming ‘who he really is’ instead of trying to live to please me, which isn’t what I ever wanted. I’ve always wanted to know who he really is, and personally wrestled many times, being fully aware of his struggle, “what am I doing wrong in the art of communicating?” and “When will he figure out I’m not perfect either and resentment comes in for all my mistakes?” It’s tough to see all of our own blindspots. I consider myself to be a very self-aware person, taking inventory frequently on my behavior, but I am an imperfect person too, bound to miss things. In ‘real’ relationships where real intimacy can flourish, and by that I mean “knowing each other’s thought processes, an awareness of differences and similarities in preference, opinion, attitude, ideals, values, goals, beliefs, etc”, you are no longer alone. You have a mirror in which to reflect back to you your own short comings. When one or both people are enmeshed with each other, this mirroring cannot happen. We were all created to know in part and see in part, not always able to see the whole picture. Relationships where real intimacy exists are designed to aid in helping each other grow and flourish by helping point out the blindspots. Some things are so ingrained in our being, habits, and learned behavior that we do not see it on our own and need help to see and discover. In trusting relationships, this can take place when we gently share with each other and are open to receiving from each other, someone to point out our flaws.

So, as we have both been growing on this new journey of discovery of who he is apart from his people pleasing, he has begun to mirror some of my own learned behavior and bad habits in communication. So once, where conversation seemed to flow so seemlessly, now we are discovering some of the habits of not so effective communication that neither of us saw before. For which I am truly grateful for now, to have the accountability for my actions, rather than the fear of trying so see my own blindspots and knowing I must be missing stuff. We both are committed to having an amazing marriage and are always working towards bettering ourselves and each other. We really are a good team, and each other’s biggest supporters… dare I even say each other’s biggest fans?

So here are some tips we have been practicing to better our ‘art of communication’, that I would like to pass on to you as well, as they are truly beneficial.

Starting with a “when you…” statement, such as “when you interrupt me” as an example, the next step is to add an “I feel…” statement, such as “I feel like you are not listening to me, which makes me feel unimportant and hurt” or whatever the feeling is.

Next step: Mirror back -reflect the person’s message, how you intertreted and what you received. eg. “let me see if I’ve got that” and “is there more?” Continue this part and clarify until you both feel comfortable that the other person is receiving the correct message.

Validate: 1.See how what your partner is saying makes sense 2.Seeing your partner’s point of view through his/her eyes 3. Stand in the other’s shoes so to speak, to see how his/her world makes sense to him/her 4. Not necessarily agreeing 5. Take ownership for what you can, ie: “this makes sense because, I did that to, or I am like that sometimes”

Empathy: 1. Mirror your partner’s feeling eg. “you feel…” 2.Imagine what your partner might be feeling underneath what is said 3. Attempt to experience/feel the feelings eg. “If I were you I would feel…” and if you did that to me I would feel…too”

Then partner #1 Continues (The first person to bring up the issue being addressed) “Could you….” “So that…”

Partner #2 mirrors again.

Now Partner #2 gets to say what they feel or how they see this from their perspective. Then switch. It is now partner 1’s turn to understand and repeat the above process.

This sounds like the perfect model for a conversation. Sadly, doesn’t happen that way most of the time. Some of the areas we personally struggle with, is when I bring up a subject that I need to address, sometimes I feel like I am not getting the validation I need, or that he will jump in with his own issue and dismiss mine without completing the process, or get defensive and start telling me everything he is doing that is right. I also feel like he is not always clearly receiving the message I am sending, and filtering it into a different message than I intended to communicate. On his end, he often feels that I am making assumptions, or jumping to conclusions, feels like I always need to be right or “win”, that if he doesn’t give in to my point of view or perspective I am not happy with the outcome. He also feels threatened if I raise my voice, and is hurt when I get overwhelmed and frustrated and lose my calm and allow the conversation to degrade from being constructive. These are the things we are currently working on to ensure we are taking ownership for our own assumptions, not asking the other person to take ownership of something that is not theirs to own, ie. expecting someone to be a mind reader, as an example, etc. all while trying to learn to communicate effectively to bring healing and growth opportunities in our lives as individuals as well as within our marriage.

I hope some of these tools help you as well if you are wrestling with communication in any relationship. Ask your partner if he/she is willing to work through the above process to develop more effective communication patterns. The art of communication is an on-going process that takes more than a little time to work on, until the pattern becomes habit. Even when equipped with extensive knowledge on how to communicate, communication breakdowns can still occur, as in our story from above. It is often extremely beneficial to seek an outside perspective from a counselor or coach to help remove the roadblocks preventing you from having effective communiction in your relationships, especially if you find that even after trying the above exercises, it is not working effectively and one or both of you are unable to find where the breakdown is occuring and identifying the blindspots to communication. Sometimes the outside perspective adds the clarity you lack in the moment! Good luck with learning the ins and outs of effective communication!

If you’d like to look at another great resource, check out my one-on-one Relationship Coaching Program which will equip your relationship with the tools it needs to grow!

————-

If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Relationship Life Coach

%d bloggers like this: