Category: Poetry

Last night I wrote a poem that I wanted to share on an issue that is relatively a big deal – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Originally, it was thought that PTSD was something only military personnel experience coming back from experiencing the trauma of the horrors of war. Now while this is most certainly the case, and very true, in more recent years, the condition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been enlarged to any traumatic experience people go through, experiencing the same types of symptoms common to PTSD.

Anything from a major car crash, to being robbed, molested or raped, experiencing a natural disaster of some kind, major relationship betrayals or abuse, finding out your partner has been having an affair… On and on it goes. The only qualification is that the symptoms of PTSD MUST be present for more than one month.

I will not get into the symptoms in this blog, except for those which are mentioned in the poem I am about to share with you, but you can google the symptoms, or check back with me and ask, as I will eventually get to a whole series on PTSD at some point in the future. I think I have it slotted for November at this point in my Friday blogs! In the meantime, enjoy the poem I wrote just yesterday on the subject.

Locked In

My life just crashed
And fell apart.
Left for broke
I was on my own,
Locked in a cage
Of isolation & fear.
No hope of rescue.
Despair consumed me.
Out of the depths I cried out:
My God, My God
Why hast thou forsaken me?
Locked in a cyclone Of turbulence
Between anger, fear, rage
Forgiveness, hope, despair,
Comfort, isolation, disorientation
Numb, aching, anxious,
Sad, depressed and alone.
Longing for intimacy in private moments,
Guarded from everyone
Not letting a single soul in.
Locked in a cycle of sabotage,
Of self, relationships and love.
Alone, at risk for injury,
Despairing of life, hopeless, anxious
Avoiding, crying, numb again.
Who have I become?
Where did I go?
Why can I no longer feel love?
This is the face of PTSD.
Trauma destroys, demoralizes,
Shreds apart hope for normalcy.
Am I safe?
Can I trust?
Can I risk again?
Flashbacks, nightmares,
Coping mechanisms.
How do I accept this tragic event
That tore from under my feet
The last shreds of belief
That the world was relatively safe
And love was good?
Irresponsible, reckless, wish to die
How can I hide from this awful terror,
This darkest night of my soul?
I awake to relive it over and over again
And wonder will it ever be over?
Will I ever be whole?
Will I be forever changed by it?
Transformed to this new being
So dissociated from life and
All that is around me.
Nurture… Will I ever feel it?
Loved… Will I ever truly believe it?
Disillusioned again by
This whole cycle of life,
Will I ever recover enough to truly sing
‘this could really be a good life’?
“Wake up!” I yell inside myself
Facing a shell that dulls the sounds around me, locking me in a cage alone
Shell shocked and distanced from what is around me
I live, but do not truly live.
I am a shadow on a wall,
Where did I go?
Who am I?
Locked in my cage alone.
Balls drop, nothing is normal.
The new normal is anxiety at little things that are not a threat,
But the threat feels real.
It interferes with my waking hours, my work life, my social life,
All activities.
Can’t seem to keep everything functioning as it did before.
And I don’t even care.
Deadlines, call backs, follow through… Responsibility eludes me.
Trauma consumes me.
Somebody please, reach out and grab hold of me before I fall
Into a pit of darkness
And forever fall into oblivion.
God help me, God help us all.
Reach out and save me,
Breathe life
Into this broken, dying, empty shell.
Bring hope.

If you identify with this, I’ve developed a Trauma Recovery Program for training on tools to help cope with past trauma.  I’d love to hear from you!


If you have any questions on today’s blog or would like help on taking steps forward, I’d love to hear from you!  Post a comment below or visit my website and register for your Complimentary Strategy Session to discuss your situation in more detail.

Katie Meilleur – Certified Life Coach

Box of broken treasures

 I’m feeling a bit under the weather today, as I have been all weekend. Sigh. 😦 So I thought today might be a great day for me to take an intermission from my usual writing and simply share a poem with you that I wrote about 10 years ago, during a very hard and difficult time of my life. I hope it encourages you!

Box of broken treasures

God and I took a walk together this afternoon.

Hand in hand, we took a journey into the depths of my heart.

It’s been quite some time since I have walked in this room,

And I’ll admit, I have not wanted to come here alone.

But this time it felt so safe and warm, with His hand in mine.

I felt confident walking beside Him, knowing He has all the keys to this place.

And He won’t abuse my heart.

His Father’s love, His arm of protection, felt so secure.

We walked towards one of the big boxes in my heart’s room,

And I was feeling squirmish inside, and felt like turning away.

But towards it we continued, and He turned to me and asked, (although he already knew)

“What’s in this box?”

The enormous cardboard box loomed in front of me, all taped up and bulging out.

I’ve never looked at it from this viewpoint before.

It looked as though someone had took all of its contents and jammed them

Inside the box in a huge hurry… that someone was me.

There were tear-stains on the box. More than I can count, or care to remember.

So many tear stains that it looked as though the box had been left out in the rain.

It was no longer a sturdy box, because the tear stains had ruined

The durability of the box.

Jesus was standing there with His big hand still in mine, and he knew.

He knew what this box represented to me. 

He knew that inside this box were the memories of good times and bad…

More bad than good.

He knew this box was marked “betrayal.”

He turned to me again, and said,

“I know. I felt it too.”

He let me stand there taking in His words that cut like a knife to my heart.

They reopened the wound that’s been there so long…

And yet…

When His words touched my heart, they were like a healing balm,

A gentle whisper, the warmest embrace.

His words cleansed the infection in this wound.

And He spoke again:

“You must forgive.” 

But the way He said it was so gentle, like He was telling me good news.

Like He knew it was the only path to healing.

And then we stood there for a while in silence,

As His heart probed mine.

And all the while, the contents of the box spilled out, one at a time,

No particular order.

Memory after memory began to surface to my mind.

As my mind recalled, my heart felt the touch of those memories in my life.

I felt the warmth of intimacy, the happiness of it…

Accompanied by the sting of betrayal immediately following.

The hurt that caused my heart to cease from desiring anything warm at all.

I felt the sting of broken trust, the desire for restoration.

The desire to stay angry, not wanting to reconcile.

The longing for intimacy, for this friendship gone sour.

I ached for it, and recalled the times we fellowshipped with God…

My favorite memories of all.

But these memories are all still painful,

When I hear the cutting words, the put downs, the manipulation I felt.

I felt taken for granted, and taken advantage of;

Anger and resentment at my compassion being aroused,

And played against me.

Have I ever had such a variety of highs and lows,

Longings, and vows to protect my heart?

But here I was with the Lord most High,

And He made himself a little lower than the angels as He stood here next to me,

Reasoning together with me, and relating to me, as though we were equal…

Though we both know we are not!

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken this journey to my heart.

This box in front of me is the biggest reason why.

But as we stood here, He said one more thing to me,

“Let it go.”

Holding on to this box myself has only been a hindrance to me.

And it’s kept me hiding from me.

His advice is good. 

Everything He says sounds good when I’m standing in his presence.

Ok Lord…

Here’s my box of broken treasures.

Will you hold onto it for me?

-Katie Meilleur-

 Nov. 21/02

No Greater Love

So today I was going to pick up where I left off from last Monday, writing more about attempts we use to ‘earn’ salvation, or God’s love, or access to eternal life, but instead, this morning, I woke up with a poem in my head, ready to get written down. I think it is a fitting place to include it in today’s blog for a couple of reasons.
1) Because it has to do with writing, which my Monday blogs are about, and
2) Because Easter weekend is coming up and that is what this poem has to do with. The real meaning of Easter. Not the chocolate bunnies, and the candy, and the Easter egg hunts, but rather an event that took place around 2000 years ago. The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and what I felt God revealed to me this morning about God’s love, and how difficult it is for us to love others as God has loved us. Hope you enjoy:

No greater Love

Don’t tell me that love is a simple choice
He gave his life for mine.
His body broken so mine could be whole,
My sin and my shame
He took on himself
No thought for his own reputation,
I was on his mind.
He did it for me
So I could be free.
He bore my burden, my sin, my shame
And rescued me from the pit.
This is what love is.
What a lesson to learn
To follow this example
To love those who harm us
Betray us and forgive them.
To love an enemy as much as a friend.
To humble myself just as he did,
And take on the effects and consequences of another’s shame
And pour out love, tenderness and mercy.
What a difficult lesson to learn.
When your heart trembles inside
Seeking revenge,
Wanting to stay angry and not to forgive.
Feeling the humiliation of bearing
Another’s shame.
Trying to retain your own reputation
And thinking how unfair this could possibly be.
They get their freedom
You feel the brunt of their fall.
And carry the consequences in yourself.
Is this love if you can do this well?
Is it simply a reminder
That no one is good, no not one.
That we all have gone our own way
Turned aside from following His path?
Is it a reminder of his great unfailing love for us, and how perfectly
he loves? And how imperfect I am?
Thank you Lord for what you have done…
The resurrection of your son from the grave,
After dying alone on a cross
Bearing the full weight of the world.
Our sins and our shame,
And offering in its place,
Freedom, new life, forgiveness and grace.
Teach me this grace.
Help me to love as you do.
There is no greater love than to lay own’s one life down for his friends.
Thank you Jesus, for what you have done.

For those of you celebrating Easter this coming weekend, I hope you have a great Easter and spend some time contemplating what Easter is about, and be thankful for the great love of God, who brought about the way for our freedom through Jesus Christ. Have a great Easter! God bless!

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