lies truth

Trust is a BIG DEAL in relationships!

It is important to be open and honest with each other. It is important to understand how to identify and find safe people in which to connect with and build an open, and caring relationship built on trust. Keep in mind, trust takes time to develop. Trust must not be immediately assumed, or given. Trust must be earned. Trust must be built first by being able to observe another person from a safe emotional distance to look for characteristics of integrity. It must involve being able to trust first with small things, and as evidence occurs that your confidence in the other person is safe, you can begin trusting with greater things as the relationship progresses. Openness and an ability to share more and more intimate details as a relationship deepens must equally be observed, and both parties willing to take small risks until the certainty of trustworthiness is observed.

TrustHonestyRespectA sense of security is one of a woman’s most basic needs in relationship.

Trust, openness, honesty and transparency are absolutely essential for a woman in order to produce the level of emotional intimacy that will meet the needs of her soul. Nothing should be hidden within a marriage relationship, even the secrets of insecurity should be able to be entrusted to each other in order to foster a deep abiding bond of satisfying connection. Your spouse should know you better than anyone else. The reality, based on a survey done in the USA, Men tend to be the big secret keepers in relationships. Whereas a woman tends to want to share everything in a relationship, based on her deep need for security, men tend to keep secrets about everything from finances, feelings, his male relationships, spirituality, sexuality, and his relationships with women. All of which, if kept hidden and become found out by the woman he is with, will begin to tear apart at the seams the level of trust she has in the relationship, which then causes her to question the level of her safety in the relationship. On the other hand, honesty meets such an emotional need for a woman that women tend to fall deeper in love with a person who’s radically honest with them. Golden rule: Honesty is the best policy for everyone involved.

broken trust

Effects of Broken Trust

Trust is not only a big deal for women, it affects both spouses equally when something goes wrong, or when there has been a trust breach in your current or even past relationships. Yes, the baggage from the past often skews our perspective on present relationships. When you think about broken trust, often the first thing that comes to mind is infidelity in a relationship. But the reality is that there are many types of major betrayals that can affect a relationship. A major betrayal by definition is “When someone does something that breaks a fundamental promise or violates a fundamental expectation and does so in a way that significantly hurts your peace of mind. Everything from hitting your spouse, going behind someone’s back, loaning big chunks of your savings to a relative who is irresponsible, excessive spending to the detriment of your financial security, an alcohol addiction, etc. all can be major issues of a breach of trust in a relationship. If something is a big deal to you, if it changes the way you see the other person, if it makes you feel unsafe, if the quality of your life suddenly goes downhill, then it’s a major betrayal and breach of trust. So what is trust? Trust is a feeling based on a fact. Most of the time it’s not even a feeling we are aware of except when we’ve been hurt. Then the very sense of safety we used to take for granted is now something we deeply need to restore equilibrium.

Qualities of a Trustworthy Person

What ARE the qualities of someone who is trustworthy and safe then? Look for the following qualities, as well as look to become the following things to the people in your life that you wish to develop a deeper level of trust with:

  • People who act differently than those who have hurt you before.
  • People with the ability to accept your imperfections and love you anyway.
  • People who are no stranger to pain, yet are recovering.
  • People who are aware of their own deficits.
  • People who speak the truth to you lovingly.
  • People who draw us closer to God
  • People who draw us closer to others.
  • People who help you become the person you were created to be, and celebrate with you.
  • People who accept you just as you are.
  • People whose influence develops your ability to love and be more responsible.
  • Someone who gives you an opportunity to grow.
  • Someone who increases love within you.
  • Someone you can be yourself around.
  • Someone who always allows you to be on the outside what you are on the inside – valuing authenticity.
  • Someone who helps you become the person you want to be and were created to be.
  • Someone who helps you to love others more.

Finding our way to Total Honesty

I believe in total honesty in your most intimate relationship with your spouse. I believe how much you reveal to others depends on the depth of the connection. Obviously we do not need to reveal all things to everyone, and though this topic is geared mostly to intimate relationships, I believe that the more authentic, upfront, and honest we are in our most intimate relationships, the more forthcoming we will become in other areas of our lives, in regard to living with integrity.

The following are some areas most couples find difficult to be honest about:

  • Feelings
  • Disappointments
  • Desires, likes and dislikes,
  • Hurts
  • Anger and hatred,
  • Sex
  • Failures
  • Sins
  • Needs and vulnerabilities

Being honest, however, must go along with other important values to hold in a relationship because honesty without love and commitment can destroy a relationship. Honesty without compassion and forgiveness can do the same.

Intimacy comes from knowing the other person at a deep level. If there are barriers to honesty, this kind of knowing is taken over by false fronts, masks that we put on, little white lies, secrecy, and hardening of the heart happens over time until there is a rift between a couple and isolation occurs.

trustworthy qualitiesI can’t stress enough the importance of being able to share with each other your deepest feelings, needs, hurts, desires, failures, successes, whatever is in your soul. If you and your spouse can feel safe enough to be totally vulnerable, you are on your way to an incredible marriage.

The Effects of Deception

Sometimes though, deception can take over for ‘defensive’ reasons. In other words, dishonesty occurs not for evil reasons, but to protect oneself. This does not excuse lying, but it does complicate matters when you want to be totally honest in a relationship but experience some of the following common fears:

  • Fear of real closeness and being known
  • Fear of abandonment and loss of love if they are known
  • Fear of being controlled and possessed if they are known
  • Fear of being seen as ‘bad’ or not good enough if some part of them is known.
  • Fear of their own desires, needs and feelings.

affectionate coupleTherefore it is always important to not only value honesty, but make it a practice in your relationship, as well as ‘doing unto others as you would have them do to you’ by cultivating honesty in your life and making it not only a relational value, but a personal value as well, as one who regards honesty as an incredibly high characteristic of integrity. The truth is, if you model it, you might just reap what you sow in return. But in this pursuit of being an honest person yourself, make it a goal to value wisdom as well, so that you will seek out safe, supportive relationships able to discern that the relationship you choose to engage in, also values honesty in his/her life.


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Katie Meilleur – Certified Relationship Life Coach