I want to share with you something I wrote near the end of last year, in dec 2011 as it serves as a great first introduction about my life, a summary of the past year for me, and since I intend to share about myself on Wednesday’s, I feel it’s a most fitting introduction.

But after having just re-read what I wrote only a month ago, I have realized that i’ve come a long way in just one month! Perhaps next week I will share some of my progress! And btw, I am super grateful for a brand new year to start over, since last year for me was simply a year of hell. The following is the first thing I had written in many months since about June of last year, 2011. Here is what I wrote:

Vulnerability & writing -my year of hell

Several months ago, I had decided I would start blogging… About my life, the book I began writing this year, and life coaching tips on issues pertaining to relationships, things I’m reading about, learning or have gained wisdom by through life experience. I also began pursuing the idea of transitioning careers to become a life coach, to actually get certified and do something I am naturally born to do. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed serving in the field of developmental services with autistic clients, but 10 years in one field is a long time and I’m feeling the need for change.

Sadly, however, I’ve been side swiped by major catastrophe in my life that has blindsided me and placed all my dreams on the back burner. My writing had all but stopped, my motivation to switch gears professionally- diminished, my whole life basically on hold, frozen by the greatest traumatic experience of my life. I haven’t been able to write about it or even reveal it fully, as there are many I choose to remain to keep in the dark about this most vulnerable trauma I have experienced, all with good reason of course. I have been seeing a post traumatic stress disorder therapist concerning the magnitude of shock & betrayal at the hands of those closest to me, breaking my heart, and at times, even my will to go on.

I will not go into detail about the trauma, as that intense vulnerability I am not yet able to disclose.

But what I can say, is the battle to overcome has been enormous! It is still a journey that is not yet complete, but I am on a journey to heal from a massive double betrayal.

In the words of king David:
‘even my close friend, in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me’.

I will confess this much: as far as I can say in looking back on this past year, I will be glad to see 2012 come with a fresh start on life. This has definitely been a year of hell for me. Starting out early in the year with a major back injury that had me off work and off my feet for 5 months of the year, and moving right into the worst realization of my life, that those closest to me had risen against me to crush my heart.

One of my wonderful friends who has always had these great analogies told me once not so long ago as I confessed to her that -‘everything inside me feels dead… Everything I was I no longer can find.’ She responded by saying, ‘it is not dead, it is dormant. It is like a blanket of snow has covered over those parts of you, you feel are gone. They are not gone. I still see them in you.’
How reassuring in such a great time of loss & dare I say, disillusionment.
Brilliant liars who fooled me, and I would dare claim I am usually one of great discernment. And I did discern something was amiss, but ignored my gut instinct at the reassurances of those who conspired together their lies and deceit. Because I trusted them and thought I had no reason to question that trust.

I have been made most vulnerable these past many months, in the way no one wants to be vulnerable -by force. Like for instance, death. We do not choose to be vulnerable when a loved one passes, but we suddenly are- unprepared, and helpless. And vulnerable. Especially when it is sudden. Unforeseen. No warning at all: forced vulnerability.

Vulnerability is something I most admire when I see it voluntarily offered, and strive to be that with those closest to me, because of the intimacy that comes which is a delight to enjoy. But violence against vulnerability freely offered, is the gravest of offenses. And makes one further vulnerable, in the same forced manner of vulnerability that happens with death -but more in the role of a victim that must overcome the shock of betrayal. This kind of forced vulnerability is the worst kind because it is intentional harm. A loved one did not choose to die and simply leave us behind, they are merely following the natural course of life. But a betrayal has harmful motives.

All of this to say, this undesired, not sought after vulnerability causing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which has had an ill effect on me. It has stunted my life, my dreams, my writing. I have not written another word in the book I am writing since the end of June. I have not further begun building a platform for my writing… I have been stopped dead in my tracks.
My writing as of late has been darker than I ever thought I could write, mostly in the form of poetry. Raw, honest, real. Vulnerable. Yet I hold back and choose not to share those dark miserable poems describing the depths of my despair. I don’t want the whole world to know. And given that those closest to me took advantage of my vulnerability, I still feel guarded and held back from revealing all there is to reveal.
But I feel the time is coming, for me to come alive again. The dawn is breaking, joy comes in the morning. A new season is upon me… Like job, the latter days greater than the former. Today, I have begun to write again. Even if it is just a blog. I make baby steps forward towards collecting the pieces of my broken life, the devastation like a bomb that went off in my heart, and I begin the work of healing. The work of rebuilding and cleaning up the remains of the nuclear disaster within my soul. Wish me luck as I move forward towards achieving my goals, my dreams. I have been on a hiatus, but I am coming back. I am coming alive again. I will not only survive this, I am an overcomer.

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